The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
