This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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