You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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