somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
