Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
