are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
