I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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