When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
