there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
