I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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