The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
