Apparently you make a good broom.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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