i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
