Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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