I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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