Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
