I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
