Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
