Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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