why im i the only drunk person in the library?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just had sex on a roof
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
