Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
