I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
