I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
