Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
