i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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