sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
