I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
