I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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