she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
