i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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