Rock
Scissors
Fuck
After last night, I could never be a politician.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
