I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
