the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I believe in your delicious
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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