Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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