I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
