so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
