Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
