the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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