ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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