WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
