the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
