I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
