I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
