I'm pants shitting drunk right now
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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