I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
