listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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