Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Just high enough for therapy.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
