youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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