I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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