Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I have demons in me.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
