You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
